Is suicide really painless?

Oh no, i am not planning to off myself, heard the old song tonight and was wondering if its less painful then what i am going through now...I do not know which is worse...

The slow choking i experience when i sleep, it makes the concept of "water boarding" sound delightful, the fact that i have to nibble on cookies, snacks or drink beverages of all kind to wash the terrible taste away, my sleeping habit that would make a torture specialist happy...or..

The fact that i have seen all the old movies on late at night that i am now sitting here watching "Tekwar" starring Greg Evigan, William Shatner and more 80's looking fashions that i would like to gouge my eyes out with a spoon..a Viet Soup spoon at that (picture attached for those that have not seen one)

I think i would almost rather commit suicide by watching Kieth Obermann and Rachel Maddow have consensual liberal sex with condiments...well maybe not that far..i so hate Kieth Obermann....

Have a good night i am going to gather all basic ingredients, build from hand a forge and make a knife to cut my wrist, that last image was to sad even for me to think of...

Words from the home front

Well it has now been three weeks since i stopped the tarceva and i can say two things with dead certainty .

1. I feel a ton better, my skin looks better and i have more energy, still a tad weak, but more then i use to have.
2. The cancer is growing at a new fantastic rate, i can see changes in it every time i look, the narcosis area are getting larger and they look like my first date....bad.

well that's the update, i am due in to see the oncologist on the 18th, not sure what i am going to do after that, part of me says i am going to hit the road and become "road kill" get it? other part of me say i want to take a long walk off of a short pier, then repeat as needed until the desired effect is reached.

have a fun day one and all.

Stumbling Part 2

Greetings,

well the doctors talked over the last couple of days and those results? drum roll please....

Hi Cory,

Dr. Xxxxxx spoke with Dr. Xx regarding other treatment options for you.  At this point, Dr. Xx cannot think of anything else.  Dr. Xxxxxx is doing his own research by reviewing hundreds of abstracts and journals currently being presented at the ASCO.

Just so you know……


I X'ed out the names due to the last time i posted them i had people calling them up interfering, i do not want that to happen this time.

So it is official, as of today i a pretty screwed...i am so happy i could just slit your wrist...wait, i mean my wrist.

If i learn anymore i will post it...but now blade runner is calling my name...that and i am seriously having a hard time coming up with a positive spin at this time.

stumbuling

Well was at UCI today, this is one of the top cancer centers in the united states, so what does that tell me?

Good News and Bad news..

Good News = I do not have to take the Tarceva anymore, my skin can heal, no more rashes and i can go out in the sunlight ...if i want to...but could he have told me that before i updated my script and 125.00 copay..nooo..but what the hell.

Bad News = The cancer has blown past the Tarceva and is growing down my throat, he suspects that it is in my chest (lungs whatever) and possibly in my head, not really worried about the head, no brain, no problems.

Life sucks,

The doctors are going to hold a little get together in the next day or so and see if i have any options left, maybe something..anything..a trial, a change in some med..voodoo dolls, bloody chicken leg..something..that last part sounds like our ritual at ALR when we had a possessed computer.

when i know more, you will know more fellow readers.

but now? i think i will go get a beer and a cigar...what? think it will kill me?

A sunny Monday

ah i am still alive to you that are following the pool..so sorry..

I am starting a new regime in pill taking started by my Chemo doctor..i am now on "birth Control" for chemo patients...21 days on..7 days off..i just finished my 7 days off and restarted the pills today..and i am hating life.

I usually take my pills around 3amish (yes..I'm Amish) and then go back to sleep so when the nausea starts i will be asleep and miss most of it, my plan worked well today, well until i woke up. sick feeling, full of natural gas and just wanting to die.

I tried to sleep some more but my yipping little friend over in apartment c was up and yapping, and then the mailman had a letter i had to sign for, so i just gave it up and started moving around, i was hoping as the day went on i would feel better, but that's not really happening.

so what do i do about this? i mean i was feeling so good off the meds, but there is a side effect to that, the cancer will grow faster and something about me ceasing life signs happens faster (Christie wants me alive so she can take a Disney Vacation in November, how selfish..j/k)

i will talk to the Chemo Doc come Monday, maybe there is a way to take smaller doses over the day that will be easier on me instead of one big dose at a time.

aside from that in the last week of no chemo drugs my skin cleared up and is healing, i have not been sick to my stomach, less headaches and a little less on the nose bleeds..so that's all good, the bad part? i had to restart..sigh..

aside from that all is good, i am thinking of taking the truck out on a road trip for a few days..not sure where..its an old explorer with an old sick driver..what could go wrong?

all disaster list can be sent to my personal email, i am sure they are entertaining.

later all..

Cory

Levon Helms

Great drummer and front man for "The Band" is in the last stages of throat cancer, i thought he had beat it, but it seems not to be the case.

He was the legendary voice that brought you "the weight" and "the night they Drove ole dixie down"  i will miss him and hius great creative influence onto Rock and country, when i am out walking i can gauerntee you that i have the bands "The Last Waltz" on my music player always in rotation, i had the album, the tape, the CD and i will more then likely splurge and get the Blu-Ray version and watch it at least once.

Levon i hope you miss this train, but if you do not i hope you have a smooth and easy ride, i was and always be a great fan.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jREUrbGGrgM&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjCw3-YTffo

Power Port Removal

Greetings all,

after seeing the doctor on Monday 03/23/2012 it has been decided that my port will be removed, what does that mean? the good and the bad?


The good...no more going in every 4-6 weeks and getting it flushed so i will not get bacterial infections like i did last year.


The Bad..when they go to get my blood from now on i will have to put up with "poke..poke..jab..damn i missed so sorry"


The Good..when the girls (Leela and Sasha) jump up on me i will not scream my head off and turn white when they step on the port..well a slightly similar but less happening reaction with the S.O.


The Bad... That means there is no more Chemotherapy planned in the near to midterm future, i am into a holding pattern, i take my pills, get sick, move on...have i ever mentioned i love chemo?  have i ever mention i am slightly nuts?


The Good...It will not look like i have a third nipple.


So there you have it, the good, the bad and the ugly...well i am the ugly, but without the third nipple now.


Have a grand night one and all. i will let you know whats up on Thursday, well at lkeast you will still know if i am alive or not.


The color of the font this week is in honor to my friends Holly and Kim, they like purple, so there..you got purple.