Out of the Blue, going into the black

Not exactly the song title, but close enough ( Out of the Blue, into the black is the correct title) for what i am conveying.

I spent my morning at the UCI medical complex, doing to things,

1. Seeing my Chemo Doctor to see what our next step is, and
2. Meeting the Palliative care group who are going to be mainly in charge of me now.

I stopped to see my Chemo doctor, nice guy, he and his staff and I have been getting to know each other over the last 10 weeks in ways i do not wish on anyone, well maybe wife and child beaters, but thats against the law, and i never break the law.

For those not following on a dedicate basis (no offence taken, you all are busy) After 2 rounds of chemo (60 days) i had my exam and i was told that the chemo is not working at all as a matter of fact my cancer kind of laughed at it and grew at a rather nice rate, my chemo doctor was rather pissed off about that and in awe of it at the same time.

So after the follow up with Dr Armstrong on 03/30/2011 i was sent back to see the chemo man this fine, cold, semi rainy day to be told what i already knew, the cancer is chemo resistant it is aggressive and there is nothing else he can try with me he is confident in, i am not a candidate for any trial drugs, he told me i could try some other chemo drugs but if the ones i had already taken (Cisplatin, traxol, 5-FU, and erbitux) did not dent the cancer, there was not a hope the others would and for the doses i would be need to be given i would be extremely sick, sorry, i will pass,

The Chemo doctor will keep his eye open to see if anything comes up, new released drugs, new trials, anything, I told him that was nice and to feel free to contact me, he was not happy about not being able to help me, and i was really unhappy he could not help me, but chemo was a shot in the dark, DNA testing had already shown that i (meaning my cancer) was pretty much chemo resistant, but it was worth a try, sometimes "trying" does not work out.

So after a quick exam and a sigh (his) he took a picture of my mouth and then started making arrangements with the infusion lab to see me once a month to have the cath flushed and checked so i can still use it, you get spoiled when you do not have to have someone try and find a vein, they just poke the cath and all is well, which leads us to number 2

Palliative care group,

basically they are going to keep an eye (one eye, single eye humor for me and one other) on me and manage my care till, well you know, the end, my demise, i croak, or in my case "the fat man sings" and for those that have not had the pleasure, (it would kill me, you and close to 10,000 birds if i did)

I filled out and signed my POLST (Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment) today, it's a strange, weird experience if you think about it, most of us have filled out a "advance directive" (or you should) but this is filed and filed by a Physician and registered someplace (I am sure Bruce can tell me where) but i have made copies to give my GP, my local ENT and i will put one on my message board just in case the EMT's have to come by so they will be in the loop, i want no mistakes in this matter, like most i completely dread the image of me being hooked up and kept alive on a ventilator, being fed via tube and not being able to do anything about it, it scares me more then whats happening now.

This group will be in charge of meds, making sure i do not die from a secondary issue (it would be a shame to die of a minor infection instead of my cancer, humor Bruce, humor) they will be arranging any in home help i might need, and help with hospice services as needed.

well that's enough of this cheery subject now, i have one other post this night,, the one you read just before this one, it was way shorter, but it was harder to write, i wrote it now while it was fresh in my mind, a more specific one will be posted closer to "the time"

Later all its 1am, and i am sure i can find a movie to watch, if not, i have some "Godzilla" DVD that are just burning with a desire to be watched late at nite.