I am not sure how i feel about this..

Been sitting here the last week or so digesting the conversation i have had with the oncologist and his Nurse, not sure how i feel about it, but this is what was said.

I had a Pet/CT scan done about 10days ago(they still wont let me choose what PET) this was to judge the effects of the chemo drug Tarceva and if i should continue.

The doctor took a couple of days to look over the scans and came up with the following.."The scan shows you are stable"..what the hell? stable, what in the hell does that mean? and no one ever uses the word stable with me, never ever.

So after a couple of days of back and forth the following definition of stable was expanded to "we do not see any new growth, we still see cancer but it has not metastasised, so it is stable" great, wonderful, glorious, not much clearer there are we?

what it basically boils down to is this;

1. I am not in remission
2. there is no new growth.
3. my cancer is still active in all the old areas and does not show signs of abatement.
4. it has not moved out of my head / neck into my chest (next favorite place to go) , but we are not sure about any other place because the insurance company did not see any need to scan my abdomen or down to my nuts.

so in other words i have spent the last 90 days sicker then a dog alone in the city, i have a rash that will let me win any "Strawberry shortcake" contest, i scratch in my sleep, i have headaches that people with migraines say "that's OK, I'm good" my eye looks like its bleeding from the inside out half the time and i am stable?

Kill me, Kill me now.

and they conclude my PET /CT meeting with the following words "we want you to continue on the tarceva for 90 more days" gee thanks Santa, i got what i wanted for Christmas.

and on top of that we would like to send you back to Palliative care, you could benefit from seeing them again...

Jingle bells, jingle bells..

I will keep you informed..."Stable"? sheesh...